What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 04:51
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Who then, do I blame.?
All the time i was locked up.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We all went to grammer schools
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
When she asked me how she looked .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
It was going to be , some day.
Why does Rahul Gandhi have so many haters?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I will be 64.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But ive been too sick for many years..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I write beautiful poetry .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
What did i know ?
I was seconnd youngest,
Comes on , in middle age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I couldn’t, believe it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot live in the past .
And i lived it daily.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Put me off passion for life!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He knew the spot.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But, we were locked up after school.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So whats the point in blame.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im still living with it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was 9 years of age.
We were not on the streets..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She found it foreign!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I waited trembling.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
This is soul school!.
Ive learnt so much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I don,t even have a pension.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was in good health!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was very sick at this time too.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I have no regrets .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She wouldn,t have been !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She loved him until the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So, i spoilt her more .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My family never makes their pension either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He resisted the act ,that day.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Would this be the day?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I said to her
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I think the readers, may guess!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .